depressedI've been privilidged enough to live a life full of benefits - friends, girlfriends, good grades, money, stability. For most of my life, everything was going swell.
Until the 22nd of November 2007. That was the day I started going out with a girl I think was special. I had had relationships before, ones that had lasted long times, and I had gotten over them easily when they fell apart. I thought it would be the same with this relationship, but it wasn't. Our first date was one the first of December 2007 (Hence my name 1stdecember2007). We went to the movies. I cannot remember a better night of my life. It was beautiful. Every day since I have been wishing I had appreciated it more. Because the relationship, which I cherished so much, fell apart just 13 days later. I had never cried when I had been dumped, but this time it hurt to the core. Luckily we had summer holidays over December and January, which helped me get over things a bit. She still txted me every day, and we had nightly phone calls, some of them going onto about 3 in the morning. I was negative about the whole thing however, and thought that if she still liked me she would have told me by now, and that she was only trying to be nice or help me get over things. I ended up getting a new girlfriend who I didn't really like. As soon as she found out I had a new girlfriend, she said she still liked me. I was overjoyed, it was like suffocating clouds had parted, revealing an azure sky of deepest summer. But, she said she didn't want to go out with me, maybe she would consider again when school got back.
As the weeks rolled on, and we were 2 weeks out from beginning school again, she told me she did not like me in that way anymore. I wasn't as depressed as I originally was, because I hadn't seen her in ages and although I still thought about her, it didn't seem as bad. But the day I got back to school, it started hurting again.
We kept close contact, she started txting me again most nights. I began to think she liked me again. School camp was coming up and I was happy to hear that we were going to the same island. I was even happier when she said she was only going to it to see me, and asked me to bring my phone so we could txt. On the first day, we had a long tramp up a volcano called Rangitoto. She and I walked up together, talking every hour of the way. My hopes were raised once more.
On the second day, nothing much happened until the very end. Just before we had to go back to our tents our teachers all called us together to say goodnight and give out information about the next day. They also gave out prizes. She got a prize. Anyway, when we were allowed to go, I started the trudge back to my tent. I was happy to see that she had waited by the gate however, to give me her prize (Only because she didn't like it) and she asked for a goodnight hug. I hugged her and praised god as we departed. When I got back to my tent, there was a message waiting for me. It said "Hey..." and it was from her. We had a long convorsation, but it was really hard because the signal on the island was horrible so we ended up not getting to reply for ages, then recieving multiple replies at once.
On the third day, things progressed as usual. But that night, something happened that made me jump over the moon. Almost literally. Some guy had picked a fight with another guy, and she had tried to break it up. She ended up getting hurt in the process, both physically and emotionally. I didn't know of any of this however, until two of her friends came over to my tent, saying that she hadn't wanted any of her friends to comfort her and she had specifically asked for me. Sad incident, I know, but I was like "YEYA!". I came over to her tent, and we cuddled inside for about 40 minutes, just talking and stuff. Surely this was a sign she wanted me. A teacher came around, and told people it was time to go to sleep. It was illegal for guys and girls to share tents, so I elected to hide behind her stuff in case the teacher asked to open up and check. She said no, and told me she wanted me to stay but she wanted me to ask the teacher if it was ok (I didn't think anything of this till a few weeks later). I asked, and got rejected and told to go back to my tent on the other side of the island. As I left, she whispered "Txt me". I obliged more than willingly and we had another small txt convo. Until it was sadly disrupted. I was sitting in my tent, with my phone under my covers waiting for a reply. Suddenly, a teacher came up behind my tent claiming that I had a phone. He seemed certain, and there was no point having my stuff messed up if he was going to find it anyway, so I handed it over. He claimed he had a scanner, but I believe the teacher who told me to leave her tent overheard her say "Txt me" as I left.
The next morning, I was freaked out. She had been woken up early in the morning and told to hand over her phone too. I was worried that she would think that I had got caught and confessed that I was txting her. I didn't get a chance to talk to her however, because I had to clean the entire camps dishes (A thourough job too - took two hours and forty five minutes). I managed to speak to her that night, and she said she wasn't mad, and said she was sorry because she got a lighter punishment. That night, I asked her out. I had never, ever been so nervous in my life (and let me tell you, I am terrified of heights and I had to go bungee jumping). Guess what she said? I really love you Caleb, but I just need time. I was happy at first, because that night we got to stay up later because it was the final night, and we just stood there, holding each other, talking, broken away from the other 60 people at the camp.
I didn't get to speak to her much on the last day. But, as soon as I got home and turned my phone on, it had three messages from her, all bubbly. That night, I got an email from her too. It went like this:
Hae caleb
Just thought i would drop u an email 2 let yah knw how much i enjoyed ur company @ camp, it was worth sticking it out on that island just 2 c u
I really appreciate what you did for me that night, and i am so sorry that i got you in trouble and that yougot punished way more than me
I really love it when you talk 2 me, i love been around you and i love you
*********
xox
ps: dont know when i'll next be online, so we'll have our bebo deleating ceremony then...
missing you
I replied just as lovingly (with a huge grin on my face) and this is what I got back again:
hehe awwh now i feel speshal with a capital spesh .. LOL i crak miself up ..
i wouldnt have thought of asking anyone else except you, i was just like omigosh what if he doesnt want to come?! and when you did i was like sooo relived
hehe talking of *** did u c him and his bro? i was lol-ing
anyway i g2g now talk 2 u l8az ..
omg did you also know that **** likes *****?? .. oh you cant tell anyone .. that was mi goss lol
but now i have 2 survive a whole weekend without you .. i wish i could talk 2u
im like missing you so much right now .. ur email made me all warm lol .. thats what u do 2 me
i REALLY have 2 go now.. so ill txt u .. i wont b able 2 reply so if u do dont tell me cuz it'll only want 2 make me read ur reply k
love u lots .. miss u more
xox
Now you can't blame me for jumping over the moon again (this time literally). I actually thought we were going to get back together!!!
Over the next five weeks, we txted every night, and often had our trademark phonecalls, lasting hours into the night. I know I'm 15, I know you're all going to think I'm just some immature attention starved little prick for saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway. After camp I had begun to realise I loved her. For real for real.
And, I began to discover other things about her. Ever since I had started going out with her, I had never thought of catorgorizing her as "sexual". I mean the most we did was hooking up and going places with our hands. But one night we had the best phonecall of my life. We were both on our computers at the same time, and just for a laugh we decided to look up sex positions on Wikipedia. I started to get really aroused talking about this with her, and even though I didn't say or suggest anything, she sensed that I was thinking something. I denied it at first, saying I was just thinking about nothing, and then she said that she thinks she was thinking about the same thing. I admitted, I was thinking about having sex with her, having been initiated by reading the text on Wikipedia. She said same, and that if we got together again we almost definately would. We ended up talking about the night we went out, good ol' December 1st 2007. I mentioned how turned on I was that night, and she said "Dammit Caleb you should have told me! I could have done something for you!" lol I know. I was both disappointed and happier than ever before. It was like my dream come true! Not only was I going to get back together with the girl I loved, but I was going to lose my virginity to a girl I actually loved! For about a week, life was sweet. I wasn't angry to anyone, I looked at everything positively, and I was HAPPY. For that week it was just like the time we were going out, we didn't just txt once a day, we txted about three times a day. And still had our calls. But slowly, as all good things do, the level of contact diminished.
For about two weeks, she had friends staying over from England. We didn't get to talk as much then, but I didn't care because I knew she was preoccupied. She said she'd make up her mind about "us" after they left. Well they left. And for a while, things seemed in my favour. But it was the night of the school formal, that was the final nail in my coffin. We didn't talk at first, sending me into a paranoid state. Then, I saw her talking to another guy. While looking out over the sea together. Alone. It was my friend. I was traumatized, but I had no reason to be over that. Yet. He liked her, but she didn't like him. Still, they had talked about some sensetive stuff. And it seemed that he helped her confront me with some deadly information. Apparently I was "her best friend" and she could talk to me "about anything". Well, she seemed to live up to this promise and we continued our txting/calling lifestyle. But it deteriorated, just like I predicted. Just a premise, to keep me happy. Thats what I hate, is when they just don't put things bluntly. Now I'm left here, and I don't have anyone to blame. But myself. I'm angry all the time, and I'm really sensetive now. Now I'm crippled when I try to talk to an audience including her, I've lost all my confidence. My work has deteriorated. Just like our "best friendship". We could have convorsations for hours. Now we hardly talk. Just like I predicted. I reached the conclusion that when we were in the tent together, she wanted me gone. Which is why she so blatently sent me out to the teacher, obviously to get caught and sent back to my tent.
I made myself a vow. As soon as I lose my virginity, I won't be sad anymore. Ever. Don't ask me the details, I have a way. I thought about asking this one girl, but I just didn't like her, and I know that she wouldn't have wanted too - she would have only done it in hope of going out with me or something. When I find someone, and hopefully they'll want too - I can finally leave. And never come back to the hell of the personality I inherited - I am the most unappreciative person you will ever meet. I have heaps of good friends, but I don't enjoy them anymore because I'm sensetive to any of their jokes. I just thought I'd write all this to let off some steam. I'm sorry if this offends you by being so pathetic, but I just wanted to write this out. Thanks very much for reading, god bless all of you.
